Thursday, 4 August 2011

Tying the knot.

Warning: this post is longer than those in recent weeks. Do not be deterred. It is an incredibly important issue which needs to be brought to the attention of all children and their parents worldwide.

Ok; so this post isn't actually about weddings or getting married. It is about tying shoe laces
But I liked the phrase. 

Despite not actually completing many hours of work at the minute, I am employed. On a zero hour contract. But regardless, I am still employed.

This employment involves fitting children with wonderfully comfortable shoes!

Growing feet in safe hands.

That's what they promise.
I say they. I don't really know who they are. I am assuming they are someone with a lot more authority in the company than I possess. I mean, I currently have been removed of the ability of completing refunds by moving stores. Hell! I don't even have a sales number to put through the till! Essentially, I have no sales! I am not even there according to the sales statistics, but regardless..

I am the safe hands. Me.
And everyone else who works for the multi-national company; but I do own some of the safe hands they are talking about.

We sell over 50 million pairs of shoes every year. 
And being one of the main high street sellers of school shoes, there is a a lot of school shoe sales going on.

But I'm not going to take all the credit. I do have some help in creating such outstanding statistics, admittedly.
And who provides that help?

Well, my good friends Jack Nano and Daisy, of course.
The kids love them. 
They hang about, hiding in the bottom of their shoes making the kids so excited that they don't even care what the actual shoe even looks like!
They make the little shoes fly off the shelves (probably more so in Jack's case, since this summer he LITERALLY has wings. Wings! Well, a jetpack but still! And I say fly off the shelves, but in reality, I get them from the stock room and bring them to the shop floor; there is only one shoe on the shelves and the majority of kids I serve tend to have two feet)!



But no matter how much fun I have with these guys, popping out the wings of the jetpack and threading the adorable bug beads onto the bracelet string, we are secret enemies. Enemies because they are dumbing down the nation(s) with their.... wait for it.... VELCRO fastened shoes!

I wouldn't usually mind the odd velcro shoe. 
It can be quite convenient. 

But none of the children's shoes below a size 3 have any laces.
(And lots of children have feet above a size 3, which intimidates me slightly since my feet are a size 4.5 and I am meant to be an adult! What if all those kids get massive feet when they grow up and I look like a strange old lady with miniature feet?!)
But again, this is only part of the annoyance. 

What really infuriates me is that SO many children cannot tie their laces.
They are like 11 years old! They are going to secondary school and their parents ask for velcro because they can't tie their own laces!

It's insane! And Jack and Daisy are just encouraging this insanity. It's not right.
They are giving in to the masses of children who are just too fucking lazy to bother to learn a basic and simple life skill!
What will happen if they aren't encouraged to learn?
What if it get's too late and they get to a size 3 and they can only have laces?!

As a child, probably aged around four, my mother would sit me down with a red plastic shoe and teach me to tie laces and make me do it myself, over and over again until I got it right. 

And now, well now I have a potential career thanks to this skill! I can fit shoes left, right and centre; tying the laces of the shoes above a size 3 whilst I'm at it! But once those shoes walk out that shop (well, the people in them; they are great shoes, but they don't have supernatural abilities) I shall not be there to tie the laces again.
That is down to them!
The people who bought the shoes I tied up!
They are on their own in the big bad world of laces and leather and all sorts! It's scary!

If they only had a mother and a plastic red shoe to save them from this horror; and save me from the fear of letting them leave with those laces flapping about and their shoes falling off and them stepping into a muddy puddle in just socks?! Oh god! The fear!

Now I thought I may have just been overreacting (there are a few slip on shoes you can buy and even some velcro shoes passed a size 3 after all), and perhaps I just had an over keen mother. 
But no. 
I did a bit of research and on the Fisher Price website, in the Parenting Help section, I witnessed the cries of a distressed mother.

Her 5-year-old daughter could not tie her shoes!

And the wise woman who replied to her pleas for help in such difficult times said that some children can't manage this technical ability until they are 6 years old!

But hang on! SIX?

I literally met some boy the other day who was 13 and could not tie his shoes.
I was appalled. Alarmed. Concerned. TRAUMATIZED by this infromation. 

And what is worse, he has size 8 feet and the only option in the stock room was.... LACES!

Heaven forbid! His mother had to buy the shoes and promised to help him learn in the holidays before September.

Poor kid.

So please, whilst you slip on your shoes and mindlessly tie the laces because you were taught so long ago that it has just become second nature, just think about that poor boy who is currently struggling with string. 
Who knows what will become of him?!
It doesn't bear thinking about.

Or, you could join me and laugh at the little bugger for being such a lazy shit.

1 comment:

  1. I've never seen those red plastic shoe things before, now I feel like I lived a sheltered life! I always just practiced on shoes I think.

    What also surprises me about shoe lace tying is that dave ties his differently to the way I do, but they seem to bring about the same effect. I wonder if we tie our shoes the same way?

    I really like the title, I liked worrying it would be about weddings and finding out it wasn't ;) xxxx