Tuesday, 10 July 2012

As seen on TV.

So, I'm lying sprawled on the sofa looking most unattractive. I have toothpaste down my top, I haven't washed my hair in over a day, I have the remnants of last night's smokey eyes smeared across my cheeks (getting ready for bed after a bottle of wine has never been my forte, but at least I try) and despite gargling Listerine upon waking I haven't quite been able to shift the fag breath. (Now, tell me why I'm single?)

All in all, I feel Grim. And the rain ain't lifting my spirits much. 

Jezza K. 

Yeh. That will make me feel better about my current situation in life. And it does, of course.
That is at least until the adverts come on. 

I wouldn't usually have taken an interest in the Special K advert. I've tried Special K. I felt I was better off eating the cardboard box. 

But today, looking as though I'd been sicked up by next door's dog, I've taken an interest in Special K and the women who eat it. 

"Who gives a fuck if it tastes like polystyrene?!" They scream. "Look at how uncontrollably happy we all are!"

I want it! I want to be so happy that I close the fridge door by swinging my arse into it, that I dance about in the kitchen to the sound of my happiness, that I still grin when faced with a wardrobe full of the same shade of red! 

I want it now!

My family seem to like cereal. They have a cupboard full of the stuff. 

I wonder.... no. There won't be...  But maybe I'll just check. 
I clamber to my feet. I walk towards the kitchen. I open the cupboard. 

Oh. My. God. 
There IS a box of Special K. And the strawberry variety?! 

This is it. This is THE moment that my whole life changes. I cannot bloody wait. 

I open the box. I get the bowl out. I get the milk ready. I put it all together. 
I get a spoon and I take a few mouthfuls.

The strawberries taste like solidified dust. 
The flakes feel like I'm chewing a flannel. 
But it's alright! I can see all of life's opportunities falling at my feet. 
My life is going to be bloody brilliant! Nothing will ever go wrong. 
I'm so happy.

I finish the bowl. I get showered. I get dressed. I'm ready, world!

"Dad, can I have a lift to the station please? It's pissing it down." 
"I would but Caroline has taken Millie to KidSpace in the big car and Kim is still out in your car. Sorry."

I walk to the tube station in torrential rain. Almost torrential, at least.
But I power on through. It's only a blip!

I get to the station. I get on the train.
I catch a glimpse of my reflection.

I look just like I did when I woke up this morning. 
And I'm starving. 

I hate Special K. Tastes like shit.

1 comment:

  1. LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL love this post!!! Had my literally loling - the best kind!

    i like special K though


    (but don't worry, i mean the drug, not the cereal)